The Handi-Capable Bi-Queer Slut of the World #1
by Colin Kennedy Donovan
(more...)
Posted on August 11, 2003
Are you Queer? Are you Crippled? Are you Sexy as Hell? Then join me, the Handi-Capable Bi-Queer Slut of the World in my campaign to rid the Earth of the ubiquitous evil of ableism. I'm constantly receiving correspondence from Queers everywhere in need of anti-ableist aid:
Dear Slut of the World:
Help! I want to be a Slut, but people seem to think I have no sex drive, even though I have the flashiest wheels in town! How can my wheelchair be that intimidating? I'm getting sick of people's attitudes! What can I do?
Amy
Seattle, WA
Dear Amy:
It's time for you to get an Attitude with those ableists! In my opinion, your wheelchair isn't intimidating enough! Wheel right up behind an ableist, clear your throat and say condescendingly, "Excuse me! Your ableist ass is blocking my view of that sexy woman! Do you MIND!?" Don't forget to wink or nod at the sexpot when the ableist backs away in horror! Do it right and the ableists will be screaming for mercy, while all the cuties will be going ga-ga for your activist ass! Do it, woman! Be a Slut! Good Luck!
The Handi-Capable Bi-Queer Slut of the World
Dear Slut of the World:
I have cerebral palsy, and people are constantly staring at me as I walk down the street They'll turn to each other and whisper as I pass by, and if that isn't bad enough, they talk to me very slowly and loudly, as though I'm stupid. With this kind of ridiculousness, how will I ever be a Slut?
Thomas
Austin, Texas
Dear Thomas:
Ableism is so deeply entrenched in our society that sometimes even I share your despair. But the important thing to remember is that EVERYONE can be a Slut. Being a Slut is about Attitude! Keep that chin up, and stare those ableists down! Wear that tight skirt or swanky suit, and don't forget to work that ass. A well-placed sarcastic retort can work wonders! One of my favorite tips, sent in by Leslie of Baltimore, Maryland, involves a small cardboard sign written in bold black marker. It reads, "I've written it down so it's perfectly clear. You are an ableist asshole." According to Leslie, it "sends the ableists scuttling like the roaches they are." Try it, and good luck!
The Handi-Capable Bi-Queer Slut of the World
Dear Slut of the World:
I just love your column! I'm hoping you'll have some good advice for me. I have Down's Syndrome, and if I have to hear one more person say "That is so RETARDED!" as an insult, I'm going to kill someone--it won't be pretty. Any ideas for some coping methods?
Brian
Hopkinsville, KY
Dear Brian:
I just love the fact that you wrote in about this vile, vicious problem! As you and I both know, hardly anyone stops to think before they speak, and that is SUCH a fucking pity. Confronting people all the time gets damn exhausting, doesn't it? How are we supposed to be sex fiends if we have to be "friendly and educational" all the goddamn time? Brian, I've dealt with this same issue with the word lame. Yet another fine example of ableist bulllshit, and another word my gimp-ass self doesn't want haphazardly flung around. I got so tired of people accusing me of being oversensitive and politically correct that I just started screaming. Everytime the words retarded or lame are used around me as an insult, I take a deep breath and yell as loud and as long as necessary to shut the fuckers up. Works like a charm--people scatter like pigeons in the path of an oncoming car. It also creates much less mess than an actual homicide--NO STUBBORN STAINS OR GREASY RESIDUE!
Love,
The Handi-Capable Bi-Queer Slut of the World
Dear Slut of the World:
When I first wrote to you, it seemed like I was the only (dis)abled Queer in the world. I couldn't even think of myself as cute, let alone the raging sexpot I am today. For years I had internalized the hatred society has for crips, and it showed. But once I took your advice and got some Attitude, it was much easier to flirt like a Slut. With my new Attitude girls and boys are falling all over themselves to get me in bed. Thanks so much for your Slutty advice!
Claudia
Detroit, MI
Dear Claudia,
It's great to hear news of your new Attitude! Overcoming internalized ableism is one of the most important keys to becoming a Slut. It's hard to hear everyday that you're not even a sexual being, let alone a Slut. Now that you're on your way, I'd recommend a much-needed reminder to any hapless ableist who makes the mistake of crossing your path. Whenever some ableist makes an ignorant comment, simply say witheringly, "You're only TEMPORARILY able-bodied, and if you don't stop talking, you're time's up right about NOW." That should do the trick.
Well, my fabulously flirtatious friends, there you have it. More evidence of crip whores hard at work being Slutty, filthy, sexmongers from hell, and activists besides. This means you, my revolutionary public! Be Crip Sluts loves, and don't forget to tell me all about it.
Until next time,
The Handi-Capable Bi-Queer Slut of the World
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